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Can I keep you?

Shittiest week ever. I've been chewed up and spit out by Jesse. I'm not surprised. I knew it would happen. I can tell what kind of person he is. That doesn't mean I'm okay with it though. Cory is being weird and acting like he cares. I'm so sick of guys who overdo their emotions. My job thank you. Pretend for 5 seconds that you have a penis and maybe harbor some of the testosterone it's supposed to create and act like a big boy. I'm not going to hold your hand and apologize for who I am or what I've done. You're not my daddy, my boyfriend, or my best friend. I don't care what you think. Everything that comes out of your mouth is purely selfish. Me and Brad are having strained conversation and that bothers me. It's normally so effortless with us. On my part, it's because I miss him and it bothers me that I could be with him right now but I'm not. I don't know why he's acting the way he is. And then Ben. I don't even know what to say about that. I don't wanna talk about it really. It's just a weird awkward situation. And now I think I'm sick cause my intestines are like dueling in my stomach. And I'm getting bitched at at work for getting on the internet. Really Dana? Bite my ass I'm leaving in a month and then the only girl you're threatened by will gone. So shut the fuck up you whiny prima donna ass bitch. You're not Katie Couric. Get over yourself.

I enjoy being jaded. That's awful. Why can't I just be happy? I should stop attempting to understand myself. I don't make any sense. I'm too fuckin complicated. I would like to be simple again please. I would like to have taken the one person who understood me. I'd like to be with him. I wouldn't like to gravel and apologize and beg for his friendship. I'd like to let him hold me every night like he's supposed to, not her. She's not for him. I am. And I wish he fuckin knew it still. But I can't tell him. I can't tell anybody. Because I'm strong and over him and won't let him belittle me anymore. Right? Yes correct. I'm in this position...I feel the way I do...because of my mistakes. And I wish that something I said would fix it all but it won't. Sorries and pretty words don't work on him. If it's meant to be it'll find a way. I don't buy into that. Or maybe I'm just too impatient to wait for the day it'll find a way. I'm more content to push and pry and pressure until it breaks. I want you to love me. I don't want to waste my 2nd love on one night. Don't be another one night stand. Don't be another person I'm willing to give it all to and only take a little. You're leaving the rest of me outside on the curb where I poured my heart out to you. I poured it out, put it in a glass, and you left it there to ferment and rot. Well now I have to drink it back down if I ever want a chance at being anything close to whole. Please come back. Are you going to be another person I pray for? Cause I have told God so many times that if He could just give me this 'one thing' I'd never ask for anything again. I think I've played that card too many times. He won't believe me anymore. I don't know what's good for me. I don't know what I need. I just know what I want. And most of the time...it ends up being really bad for me. So maybe this is good. Maybe it's a good thing I pushed you away. Maybe we would have ended up worse off if we'd been together.

I don't want to lose you. I need you. Cause the good was incredible. Even sometimes the bad made me happy, because I just got to be with you. Got to talk to you. I miss everything about you. I need you in my fucking life. I haven't cried over you in so long. I've been pushing you out of my mind. I'm glad I'm leaving. Because I can't keep living here with you so close to me but so far away. I can't keep feeling your hatred from miles away. I don't want you to hate me. I want you to miss me and need me and leave her and be with me and save me. But I never fucking get what I want.

Can I keep you?

I'm Just Tired

Kendall-You are the big sister I never had. You are always there for me. You always listen to me. You are always on my side. You know who I am and continue to love me regardless. You and I have a timeless relationship.

Nina-You are beautiful and wonderful and I love the way we learn from eachother and feed off of eachother. This year is gonna be so much fun back home with you. You are my playmate. A total goofball just like me. I would have no source of joy without you. You're everlasting smile keeps me alive.

Rachel-You are undoubtedly my best friend. One of the best I've ever had. You are absolutely hilarious at all times. You are beautiful from your very core to the outside. You're attitude and your personality and the way you can be so laid back and on everyones side but still let me know that I'm number one is incredible. You are an amazing person and not living with you is gonna be hell but visiting you is going to be incredible.

Brian-You are my big brother. You are the sweetest, most caring, most forgiving person I know. You've taught me so much and I know that you'll always be there for me and you'll always be honest to me without hurting my feelings and I appreciate that sense of courtesy about you. I don't plan on losing you any time soon. Stick around k? You make me happy.

Hillary-You are tried and true. You are my twin. We have so much in common it blows my mind. Boys. Books. Music. Style. Attitude. You make me so proud day in and day out and it makes me happier than you could ever know that I still have you by my side. I know it's summer and we're supposed to be inseperable...but I'm pretty sure we'll be inseperable for life.

Mallory-You are a joy to be around. Every time I'm with you I have a blast. I don't give a fuck what people say, I love the way that you somehow know everything about everyone. I strive to be you. And if girls are jealous because you have more than just good hair, they can bite me. You are beautiful, intelligent, unique, strong, and you're going places.

Brad-We've been through hell together. We've put eachother through hell. And somehow we're still close. That means a lot to me. No one knows me quite like you do. It's eery to me how you know my moods and why I'm in them. It's weird to me that I know what facial expressions you're making or what you're really feeling from 3 hours away. 3 years ago I was a little girl with a broken heart. But because of you I'm stronger and wiser and I know I'll never be able to live without you in my life somehow.

Jbone-You are the nicest, friendliest, most forgiving and impartial girl ever. You deserve the very best in life and I'm so glad to see you as happy as you are. You've been nothing but a good friend to me and I love you for that.

Joey-Despite all the terrible fights and drama we've put eachother through I still love and appreciate you. Regardless of the fact that you taught me my being a jack ass, you taught me a lot of things and showed me a lot of truths about relationships and people and life in general. I know myself better because of how well you knew me. You showed me parts of myself that I might have never wanted to see, but now that I have I can fix them. You have an incredible way of seeing the truth in people. I'm sorry that so much has gone wrong between us, because you really are an amazing person and I wish that you were in my life.

School's almost over. I'm pretty excited about that. I don't know how my grades will be but all I can say is I gave my best. Did all I could lol. I have my Art History final in a little bit. I'm only gonna have like 2 hours to study and I'm freakin nervous.

So I just saw a picture of Joey and Jenna kissing. It's funny to me because Rachel just said yesterday that they don't really like each other and they don't work together and yadda yadda yadda. I'm over it. I don't need a boy. Whatever. I just can't fucking stand to watch. Even if my drunken confession was drunken...clutching my chest and crying my eyes out you think would've done the trick. It's kind of awful to finally be able to fall in love for the second time and then have it all turn to shit in the most painful and awful chain of events and six months I might have had to go through. Almost worst than the break up. Almost more terrible than the divorce. Seemingly murderous. God I'm being dramatic again. This is the only place I can do it though. I don't really have anyone to talk to or explain the pain I'm going through because I don't want people to think I'm dragging it on. I know I am being irrational but it's just not something you get over easily. Whatever. Done talking. Joey who?

I've just been told to give up hope. Give up hope on the only thing that's given me hope in years. I'm nauseus. I'm literally, physically nauseus. I feel weak and powerless and vulnerable and worthless and unwanted and unsufficient. This is the pity party of the century. But none of you are invited. It's a table for one. I dug my own grave and now I have to lie in it. I don't know how to do this anymore. I'm too afraid to die but I'm in too much pain to live. I'm all dried up. I'm one big fucking cliche. I cry and I kick and I scream and I fight and I argue and I plot. I do everything and anything to keep him here and make him care but he just doesn't. He doesn't even pull the Brad thing and ask if I'm okay because he 'cares about me.' He's ten feet away, just out of reach, with someone I will never be. I have never felt such gut-wrenching, body-aching pain before. You wanna see a fucking breakdown? You wanna see the most pathetic spectacle of pain and suffering you could imagine? Walk into my room. Turn the doorknob and walk in to find me shaking on the floor with the lights off and a knife in my hand while I give my sorriest excuse for tears. What do I want? I want you to fucking walk in and see what you're doing to me. I want you to know that you have taken every shred of everything decent I had left and you have mutilated it. I hate you and I'm blaming you and I will never forget the injustice that has been done to me. God I hate her. I hate her so much. I hate all of them. Every single one who has had your public affection while I stand in some Godforsaken corner looking dark and twisty wishing it was me. I've been reduced to a mere shadow, a flicker, of my former self. I don't who I was. I don't know who I am. There is no personality in here anymore. What was once a body filled with life and joy is now a shell racked with pain. Cliche after cliche after cliche. I can hear you saying the words. But I don't give a fuck. I have stopped caring. About anything. I think that's to be expected when you're told to give up on hope and give up love. I have nothing to look forward to. Everything I expected to come out of my efforts...is ridiculous.

I am just a little girl rocking back and forth cursing the power that put me here and destined this for me. Won't hand me anything I can't handle? Bull shit. I hate you. I hate all of you. You have abandoned me and disappointed me and let me down and turned out to be something completely different than I thought. And I hate you so much. I hate you.

I don't wanna do this alone again. I don't wanna go to sleep crying and wake up crying and spend every spare moment crying. I don't wanna think of you everytime I breathe. I don't wanna wake up with your name on my lips. I can't do this. I can not do this. I'm fucking lost. And I'm fucking alone. And I should've seen this coming but I wrapped that blindfold on so tight. I set myself up and I got let down. Who is really to blame here? The knowing culprit or the victim who does nothing to save herself? Sounds like assisted suicide. But don't think for a second that I won't scream murder when this is said and done with. I will draw your name out in the blood you spilled so all will know that it is you who caused this pain. I didn't inflict this pain by myself.

You wanna manipulate me? You wanna play your mind games with me? I'm a perfect target. a proverbial bulls eye to the hunters eye. Load your gun. String your bow. Sharpen your knife. Harden your knuckles. Pick your poison. Do it however you damn well please but end this fucking torture please. The crack of your whip on my back is breaking me down and hunching me over and I won't ever be able to pick myself back up again. You think this is a joke? You think at the end of this we'll shake hands and say good game? You're wrong. Don't you touch me. Don't reach out for my fucking hand. You've made your decision. You chose your lifestyle and you'll enjoy it. And maybe someday in some parallel universe you'll realize that I am still the girl that you are in love with and the girl you want for your life. And I would like to say that I won't be around. I won't be here. But I will. And everyone knows it. Because I'm completely committed now. Checking in as certifiably insane. Wrapped up and tied into this straight jacket of a love and no matter the twisting and turning and writhing and gnawing there is no escape. There is no release.

I'm trapped.